The land of the sea, is one where every man is an island in him or herself!

                               I am writing this on a day, when I had a happy beginning, a good afternoon, a wonderful evening and a thoughtful night. This is the only time that I will be writing without mincing my words in the fear of hurting individuals...the reason being very simple, I'm not loosing my idealism, but I am letting go of trying to help everyone. So, this might just hurt, it might just pinch, it might just make u feel sorry for some people (wont name anyone, simply coz I believe that I can't ever stoop so low!).
                        The story starts with me moving to this crazy ass city, with all my ideals and hopes packed in my bag. I came here hoping that this would be different from my experiences in Delhi, and believe me it has been. People, and here I mean the general public of this city are wonderful and free and running in a rat race. I know, its sounds weird that this is wonderful, but it is due to the fact that they don't pretend to give a fuck, they are free because no one has the time or inclination to care or judge what someone else is doing, and in rat race because everyone works all day long, yet at the end of the day no one does it due to deriving satisfaction. A perfect example of what Marx believed would happen to our society, where the alienation would become so bad that one would not know where the personal and the professional end and begin.
                      In the rush and the crush of the crazy locals, I believed that I had some friends, one who seems as sweet as sugar, one who seems like fine old malt and the third seemed a fine coconut of a crazy hard outside, and a soft and lost inside. Of the three, today I can truly say, none are who they seem, yet they are all so perfectly fit for the mold I have just defined. The sweet is so sweet that I think I have diabetes, with the love that comes and goes in accordance to her needs, wishes, moods, and most importantly in accordance to what the "significant others" in her life tell her to do. So much for having a mind of your own, having a good judgement, having true emotions and some basic principles and ideals which would hold true no matter what.
                       Living with this could have been easy if the old malt didn't turn sour, and the coconut didn't break apart. But that would be asking for perfection wouldn't it. The old malt was never old malt. It was some really weird rum or maybe even beer covering up as old malt, and me being new to the scene could never know the difference. The realities and the taste kept changing in every 5 minutes, the messages left behind all washed away with the sea, and the meanings of the words changed with every new hour. The friend who can change and twist everything to suit his own means and needs...makes sense, given politics is his game!You never can be a good politician without promising the world to your listener and then giving them exactly what you deem fit, that is the lesson I was taught.Thank You for the invaluable wonderfulness old malt!!!
                             I think I was the worst hit by the breaking of the coconut, which revealed the empty hollowness outside. A coconut gets hard due to the seasoning, the weather, nature taking its toil. It is what I believed to this one too. Some harsh events, some sad disappointments, some break down of dreams, and a hard exterior extends. What I failed to take into account was that time corrodes and leaves nothing behind but the empty shell, and that is what i believed was the heart. The unbending, never understanding, having a life where nothing is sacrosanct anymore, is one who breaks you into pieces so small that you become the grain of sand that gets lost in the waves..... something that kind of resembles me, or something that I resemble right now.
                                  But i think the worst thing is that I fell for it, being a crazy kid that I am. Its not worth the trouble, people say that relationships are not that significant, and now I know why. I now know why people keep their heads bent and their eyes on where they are going only. Its easier to see the stone, whereas trusting someone to hold the light for you is always problematic, as then they can lead you down the road they want you to go down. I am lucky to have friends who care, and maybe I got greedy and wanted more, maybe we all have a quota and I have filled mine. I am not sorry that I have, and I thank god every day for the loved ones I have. And although this has been a tough and almost breaking point, I am gonna stick, hold my head high, but yes will hold my own lantern now, don't want the borrowed light! But i refuse to give up on my idealism, I will forever believe in my sweet, my malt and my coconut, and hope that someday, my wishes of what should be come true. Because, all I have are my somewhat cold and very tired ideals and beliefs, and on a hot stuffy afternoon, they are the only things that aid me to breathe, to survive, to keep moving on and be me....
An unashamed idealistic fanatic optimist!

loneliness: A simple yet loaded word!

                        One of the biggest perks of moving to a city like Mumbai has been that I am reading so much more, and I have my new college to thank for that. While reading Pico Iyer today, I came across the concept of lonely countries, where in his book he talks about countries who are lonely in their existence due to whatever reasons, be it China, or Vietnam, Cuba or Greenland, Australia or North Korea. It got me thinking of the saying, every man is an island in him/ her (since I am a modernistic 'female' writer) self. Every individual is alone, something I had never as strongly before as I do now coming to Mumbai. Someone asked me today, is one lonely because one does not have people to talk to, and does not know anyone?
                       I sadly used to believe that the loneliness that I was feeling was a result of actually being new to a city, something that was confirmed by the closest friend I now have in the city. Yet, Pico Iyer got me thinking, is my loneliness really a part of something as simple as relocating to a new city filled with strangers? If so, why was it that in Delhi I was not so lonely ever, even though then I was fresh out of school when I had moved there and had never been away from home before? Iyer was correct in his conclusion that each country is lonely in its own manner, and the reason for the loneliness is all based in the though process that is followed. This holds true for individuals too.

                                  I know of someone, who I cannot name, whom I have known for only a week or so. This person is a well established well placed individual in society, brought up in Mumbai and has god knows how many people as friends, yet every time I meet him, there is a sense of loneliness that prevails around him, a smile that never quiet reaches his eyes, everything that is said is with a pinch of cynicism yet idealistic, and it makes me wonder if he is more lonely in his own life than I am in this strangely fascinating city. This struck me especially, as this individual is someone who is a well known, (although not crazy well known) figure, and has a lot of well built and defined relationships, some perhaps that I can't even imagine! If loneliness is a plague that even he cant avoid, is there a hope for the rest of us?
                        There are a couple of friends that I know who have deliberately closed off a section of themselves to the world, the most significant one, making them even more lonely, something that I don't comprehend, but the reasons cited make sense, "its easier to smile and be happy than to let anyone in and loose mental peace" says one of my delusional mates. But is being lonely really peaceful? Not if you ask me, I miss my friends, my endless chatter, but more than anything else I miss belonging to someone, without any questions asked or any explanations given. Loneliness is a state of mind.....for me a perpetual reality right now!
                                     
  

Interdependence: an alienating yet comforting concept

                          As a part of a new city, I have recently met a number of new people. I came to the city without any friends, without any acquaintance for the matter. In a period of a two weeks I have seen and experienced a number of, what I will politely call, interactions (although farce would be a better word) between individuals in social groups. Mumbai as a city has left a mark on me, I would love to explore parts of it in details but the one thing that struck me hard is the fact that there is a certain amount of interdependence between people in a city full of strangers.
Yet, even though interdependence is common to all, there is a lack of communication, of building a relationship based on trust. What I wonder is how much of this interdependence is real and to what extent can one bend to be a part of this human need for some form of support?
                  I am today a part of this well-known college, (which I shall not name for obvious reasons) and in the two weeks that I have attended classes, I have seen groups, people who bitch about each other, students who refuse to make use of opportunities provided, a place where the need to be social overcomes the need to be real and true to oneself and at times even to be rational!

             Outside college I have made some friends, although using the word friends is somewhat of a stretch. Being an outsider and a newbie (pardon my free English), I was surprised that everyone in the group, had over the period of a week, confided in me against someone or the other member of the group. I must confess that when I had first met the collective lot, I had been surprised by the unity that was portrayed, and believed that this was not one of those dysfunctional groups. What's that saying about counting the chickens? In class the other day, a teacher said, be more hopeful, less cynical, and have faith that realism and idealism can  coexist. But with each day, a little of my pink tinted glasses darken.
                   I am fast starting to believe that human nature requires the fulfillment of certain desires and needs. In a lonely city with lonely people, being together is easy, being a part of a group is safer than being alone. The diabolism of human nature does not allow one to be completely silent on what one perceives as wrong, yet one cannot make do alone, so the need for interdependence has to be satisfied, and is; through crazy mixes, through formal smiles, through little sounds, which hide yet reflect the silent plea of a resigned yet hopeful spirit!  

Mumbai: A new shattered beginning?

                      I have never been a morning person, in fact before coming to the city that is refereed to the city of dreams in India, I rarely saw the morning light before 9 or at times even 10 am. But, as any person living in Mumbai will tell you, its a city that never sleeps, and a place where people who sleep too much get no where...quite literally, as the travelling in the locals is a novelty that requires years of practice and dedication. In fact the first thing that I learnt when I came to the city was just this, travelling in the local. It is the best way to avoid the morning traffic, and the incessant rain (yes, I am one of the unlucky [or maybe lucky few[] who shifted to the city during its infamous monsoon season) and reach places which one is far removed from. I am sure that there are thousands of articles stating their experiences in the city, the local travelling, the food, the beach, marine drive, and all of that....

                 But for me, its different. For me the city is the bustling bubble of energy with a backdrop of natural beauty, that takes my breath away even when I am squashed between lord knows how many other women fighting for space to stand! Its the fact that neither the rain, nor the relentless attack of the underworld or the terrorists or a crazy drop in the stock market has been able to take away from its pulse, which beats faster and stronger with every attack, becoming a life force of its own. I love the way a person can just be themselves, in a city where numbers will never be a problem, where space to live is as hard to find as pearls in the increasing polluted sea bed.

                 As a person who has always survived in her own head even while co-existing with the world around her, I wonder just how much of the city was in me before I came here, and how much of it will always remind me of myself, the contrasts, the harsh realities, the demands, the strength to just be. The city has a beauty that comes from the merging of the old and the new, where one can see an Esplanade House standing next to a 115 storey building and still being able to charm with its grace, something that reminds me of my hometown, my beloved Calcutta. So here is my tribute (for what its worth) to one of the few cities which has made me feel so much in such a short time (5 days!!!), the industrial heart of the country with a special heart of its own... Mumbai

Fiction: A strange Reality

     Recently I have had a lot of time on my hands, as I am not nothing much to do, waiting for classes to begin. I am not going out much, coz I am feeling highly anti social, and the people I talk to have started bugging me also, all except my bff of course, who somehow can make me smile right in the middle of my tears... its a gift I swear. Anyways, all this free time has allowed me to catch up on all the stuff that I have been missing, mainly movies, music and my lovely books.

           When I used to read as a child and just hang around, there was so much that I was missing that I kind of catch now, the leetil messages in each song, the story being told by each expression...I mean ya, some movies just make you wanna hurl, but there are others that allow you to grow. Some stories that have a clear message, while there are others that just let you be, leaving the messages in many folds, allowing you to turn a blind eye if you want to. Yet the question that one needs to ask is, does it all go away?
             I believe that in the movies that I watch, the books that I read, the music that I hear I see part of the world that I couldn't before, allowing me greater perspective of the world, allowing me to realize the various threats that are present in society, without ever coming face to face with them. In a way it helps me prepare for if and when the instances come into my life. Today, I am learning to adapt in way I never thought I would have to,  due to a simple enough reason, that of need. On the screen I have seen life forces make people take new paths, adapt and rise as the phoenix does from the ashes of their own destinies. Its something that I myself am going through, relocating to foreign city, where I don't know the popular culture, the lifestyle, not even the local name for something as essential as onion and potato!

            There are days when I retreat into the fiction world, a world made up of wisps of fog in my own head,  a world of my own creation to escape the real world, there are days when they both merge leaving me a leetil dazed but surprisingly happy. I hope that everyone is able to enjoy this form of living once, of simplicity, of the unknown, of living in a simple world of someone's creation and imagination....I hope everyone can loose themselves and find themselves, in a manner similar to mine.
                   

                            

change: coz i love single worded headings :P

               All the world around me is talking about change, the change in the government being one, the change in lifestyle, the change of the economy. Talk to your grandparents, and they tell you about the yonder years about how beautiful it was in its simplicity, how it has all changed. But isn't it weird that although all of us change, some even advocate it to others, no one essentially wants to? I look at my friends, look at my parents, look at human being as a whole, and everyone wants to return to a time in the past. It actually got me wondering, do we all remember the past because we can relive it, or can it be that the fast moving society, the evolving individuals just want and seek the simple joy of life itself and nothing more? Even the best seller in the world changed, from the old testament to the new.

                 Lets look at the change that has come about in my state. As a resident of West Bengal, I have been a witness to something that is being called a new history by some, the media going crazy trying to predict the effects of the change, people just talking about the change that the state has undergone and the achievement. But when we look at it closely, is it really a change? The green taking over, the red dying out, but after 34 years, has any one stopped to ask, what exactly is the change? Is it the transformation of the CPI (M) from a communist party to one more based in accommodative politics and turning towards the corporate world for support, in other words changing into its original enemy? Or is it the state helping a lady come to power with overwhelming support, who voices the ideas, the belief that was once upheld so high by her biggest nemesis CPI (M) at its initial years? I wonder if in 34 years we will witness another change, where the green will be supportive of the capitalist belief. Today, the green symbolizes the left more strongly than any other party, which then makes one question, is one voting for change or are we just supporting an ideology so lost in the history of the state, that it needs a new voice, a new colour to come back?

                        In my personal life too, the concept of change seems to disturb me. The first ofcourse that the past always seems better than the present, and that when the present becomes the past, we feel nostalgic bout that too! But more importantly, it is the fact that one expects the person around to never change, although we ourselves keep changing. I don't even know when I go crazy myself. The other day I screamed at my mom, telling her that she has become so different, and her reaction was nothing, just a silent stare, that made me pause and think. She was different of course, but nothing better could be said of me, in fact I was much worse than she can ever get, which freaked me out. I mean I didn't even notice the change, but there it was, staring me in the face. We want our parents to still pamper us, bear with us, while also expecting them to treat us like adults, and to top it all of, we blame them for the change! And we do it with everyone, which is why I wonder, is change all that its made out to be? Aren't we all just looking to be the same, for the simpler days when the world wasn't scary?
                   I dont think we are, I believe we just like to remember those days to make ourselves realize what we were. where we came from, and hope what we will be. Because no matter how much we change, we all remain the same, same name, same thoughts, same beliefs and if we are very very lucky, the same loved ones!

Control: A weird reality

              I remember a time, when the biggest thing in life was sleeping till 7 am and being able to read without any interruptions. As a grown up, life isn't easy; in fact it gets more difficult with each passing moment. As far as I can remember I have hoped that I would be allowed to think for myself, which is the basic Liberty in one's life. But since a child is born, it is controlled by various elements, social, political, financial, family ties and others. Looking back over my life over the past 20 odd years, I have to ask- Is control an invisible force that surrounds us all and cannot be avoided, or is it possible to take the reins of one's existence? How much control does one have when one looks at one's life?

            Since I was a kid, i have been told what to do, who not to talk to, what to believe, what is right, what is wrong, so on and so forth. Some believe that this is the only method through which one can live n effective lifestyle, including philosophers I look up to, like my closet gay Plato, but I wonder what would happen if we were all made free of control. Would one see lovers kissing in public? And if they were would it be so bad? Would we see people coming out and voicing their opinion free of any thoughts of retribution? Wouldn't that be the establishment of a true democracy?

                I get the whole aid thing, the helping the poor, the need for the state, but what about those who are controlled, whose voices are strangled  by their loved ones? Who have to give up themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs just becoz they are a part of this system? and when one breaks free why is that it leaves one even more distraught?