change: coz i love single worded headings :P

               All the world around me is talking about change, the change in the government being one, the change in lifestyle, the change of the economy. Talk to your grandparents, and they tell you about the yonder years about how beautiful it was in its simplicity, how it has all changed. But isn't it weird that although all of us change, some even advocate it to others, no one essentially wants to? I look at my friends, look at my parents, look at human being as a whole, and everyone wants to return to a time in the past. It actually got me wondering, do we all remember the past because we can relive it, or can it be that the fast moving society, the evolving individuals just want and seek the simple joy of life itself and nothing more? Even the best seller in the world changed, from the old testament to the new.

                 Lets look at the change that has come about in my state. As a resident of West Bengal, I have been a witness to something that is being called a new history by some, the media going crazy trying to predict the effects of the change, people just talking about the change that the state has undergone and the achievement. But when we look at it closely, is it really a change? The green taking over, the red dying out, but after 34 years, has any one stopped to ask, what exactly is the change? Is it the transformation of the CPI (M) from a communist party to one more based in accommodative politics and turning towards the corporate world for support, in other words changing into its original enemy? Or is it the state helping a lady come to power with overwhelming support, who voices the ideas, the belief that was once upheld so high by her biggest nemesis CPI (M) at its initial years? I wonder if in 34 years we will witness another change, where the green will be supportive of the capitalist belief. Today, the green symbolizes the left more strongly than any other party, which then makes one question, is one voting for change or are we just supporting an ideology so lost in the history of the state, that it needs a new voice, a new colour to come back?

                        In my personal life too, the concept of change seems to disturb me. The first ofcourse that the past always seems better than the present, and that when the present becomes the past, we feel nostalgic bout that too! But more importantly, it is the fact that one expects the person around to never change, although we ourselves keep changing. I don't even know when I go crazy myself. The other day I screamed at my mom, telling her that she has become so different, and her reaction was nothing, just a silent stare, that made me pause and think. She was different of course, but nothing better could be said of me, in fact I was much worse than she can ever get, which freaked me out. I mean I didn't even notice the change, but there it was, staring me in the face. We want our parents to still pamper us, bear with us, while also expecting them to treat us like adults, and to top it all of, we blame them for the change! And we do it with everyone, which is why I wonder, is change all that its made out to be? Aren't we all just looking to be the same, for the simpler days when the world wasn't scary?
                   I dont think we are, I believe we just like to remember those days to make ourselves realize what we were. where we came from, and hope what we will be. Because no matter how much we change, we all remain the same, same name, same thoughts, same beliefs and if we are very very lucky, the same loved ones!

Control: A weird reality

              I remember a time, when the biggest thing in life was sleeping till 7 am and being able to read without any interruptions. As a grown up, life isn't easy; in fact it gets more difficult with each passing moment. As far as I can remember I have hoped that I would be allowed to think for myself, which is the basic Liberty in one's life. But since a child is born, it is controlled by various elements, social, political, financial, family ties and others. Looking back over my life over the past 20 odd years, I have to ask- Is control an invisible force that surrounds us all and cannot be avoided, or is it possible to take the reins of one's existence? How much control does one have when one looks at one's life?

            Since I was a kid, i have been told what to do, who not to talk to, what to believe, what is right, what is wrong, so on and so forth. Some believe that this is the only method through which one can live n effective lifestyle, including philosophers I look up to, like my closet gay Plato, but I wonder what would happen if we were all made free of control. Would one see lovers kissing in public? And if they were would it be so bad? Would we see people coming out and voicing their opinion free of any thoughts of retribution? Wouldn't that be the establishment of a true democracy?

                I get the whole aid thing, the helping the poor, the need for the state, but what about those who are controlled, whose voices are strangled  by their loved ones? Who have to give up themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs just becoz they are a part of this system? and when one breaks free why is that it leaves one even more distraught? 

Denial: that bad or is it?

                        Watching the tv, as I flipped through channels, I saw this piece that echoed something that my mother has been going on for years. The power of thought process and the effect it has on environment. I am not exactly a big believer of all that I hear and see, but I do believe in the essence of Karma. Thus, it got me thinking, if all of us are a part of some giant design, where all is interconnected, why is it that one is able to feel so much, while there are others who do not feel at all? Being a optimistic skeptic is an interesting life to lead, it allows me to feel hopeful, while also helping me face the harsh short comings of the world around when they abruptly cross my path. Many of my friends believe that I live in denial, where I close my eyes, and pretend that no one can see me.

                       But what I like to wonder about is the fact that most of the people do live in some form of denial or the other. In fact it is my personal belief that it is imperative for one to survive. Living in the country as young as India, I believe that the presence of denial can be felt in each section of ones life; I see people deny that their relationships are job-like than connections, so that they don't have to be alone, I see people live in denial about their aspirations becoz someone else has already dreamt for them (be a parent, a partner, a mentor!), I see my friend (who is closer than anyone else) deny herself her natural sexual inclination for the happiness of others, and struggle to convince herself that it is just a phase. All of this and more makes me wonder, is denial a bad thing or is it a necessity to survive in society?

                     I like to believe that I know where I apply it, and am unconsciously ensuring that I am prepared. but in the light of the recent events of my life, I have to admit denial, is a shield that protects in the most comfortable manner. It helps one remain warm on a cold night, it helps one keep moving when something important is lost, it helps us cope when we cant face the truth. In my case, I was denial about the fact that I will not change, but it was with the coming of something beautiful, that I realized how much I wanted to, and how much of denial I was in. 

                  Today, I am past it (or at least I like to think that I am past it), and living without it, but it is my belief that denial is a source of strength or power for one who is lost. I know I know, a number of people will disagree, but this is me voicing my thoughts, one is welcome to clear thoughts, but for me Denial will always be a source of happiness, a place to just be me, far from all the hassle.
For me denial will always be a haven!!